Love is the Answer

 I haven't written a blog in a long time but due to a training I attended this morning, I feel compelled at the moment to do so.  This post was actually written about a year ago with some adjustments made today, here and there.  

I am also making a commitment to write on a semi-regular basis.  My thoughts are better organized when I do - I'm a calmer, more balanced person when I write.  Would love if you shared in my experiences with me.  Maybe you can gain something.  Maybe not.  It is my hope that you do.  

Ok.  So, here goes... 

I had an interaction with a student today.

A student whom I don't really know too well.

Anyways, I'm speaking with this student whom I had to "discipline" the previous day.  That was the first time we had really had any interaction.  She made a poor choice.  In my communication with her, I made sure that I wasn't here to "judge" her for making said choice.  

In my communication with her, I made sure to convey the feeling that I didn't believe she was a "bad" kid.  

I believe there's no such thing as a "bad" kid, just good kids that bad choices sometimes.  Some, more than others.   I made sure to be intentional in that moment of the energy I was putting into the room because I knew that would dictate how successful our interaction was. 

 No judgement here.  After some listening, some coaching, a few tissues and a consequence, she walked out of my office - chin held high - and said, "Thank you..."  

Hmm.  I don't often get "thanked" when a student leaves my office.  Nature of the position, I guess.  

We both handled this interaction well, I thought. I was proud of her.   

I ran into her again today.  She was kind of snippy.  A little rude.  Kind of mean.  Our interaction ended (it was really just "Hi, how are you doing? yada yada yada" but I'm sensitive to tone, body language...intent.  Her's wasn't good.  Maybe mine prompted it...anyways...), and the student was on their way.  

I didn't realize it at the time but the interaction happened in front of another adult who asked, "Why are some students so angry?"  

She knows why, she's amazing with our students and totally gets it.  It was more of a rhetorical question, if you will.  

My response, which I didn't need to respond, remember - rhetorical question - "We, unfortunately, have a lot of sad, angry, and hard students.  She just needs some love."  

To that, I left and went after the student.  I wanted to know why she wasn't "nicer" to me in our interaction.  

"Hey, I'd like to know why you were just kind of mean to me."  Again, not threatening, nobody around, kind and gentle tone.  She responded, "I don't know." to which I asked, somewhat sarcastically, still gentle, in an attempt to build some rapport, "Next time, try to be nicer."  Their response, "I don't know how."

Now this took me back and I had to dig a little deeper.  They looked like they were open to my questions, so I waded in.  

We went back and forth a few times, about them needing to be tough for their family, they can't appear weak in front of their friends, and they've been through some things that have changed the way they view the world.  

Fascinating answer from a teenager who has to be tough for their family, who can't appear weak in front of their friends, and who has been through some things that have changed the way they view the world.  

I followed up with, "When was the last time somebody told you they loved you."  

I know...strange, awkward question.  But I tell my students I love them all the time.  A Principal I admire, Hamish Brewer says to his students, "If you haven't been told today that somebody loves you, know that I do."  I love that.  Love.

But I know some of our students haven't heard the words "I love you" in a while and I make it a mission of mine to help them realize they are.  

Their response, after quite a long pause, "Maybe at the end of September at my cousins funeral." 

It's November 2nd.  

That's over a month and a half ago.  This student, potentially hasn't heard the worlds, "I love you" or felt the sentiment, "You are loved" in over a month and a half.  

Now, this is their perception.  We are dealing with teenagers here.  Their mother probably yelled, "I love you!" as they charged out the door this morning to catch the bus.  

But  maybe not.  

Not assuming that to be the case.  Really  not making assumptions whatsoever, or at least attempting not to, I responded - "Well, I love you.  We love you.  You are loved. When I have interactions with students, they take a piece of my heart and with a piece of my heart comes my love.  So, because of the interactions today and yesterday, you have a piece of my heart and I love you."  

I saw a weight lift off their shoulders.  They smiled and said they loved me too.  Then, that interaction was over and they continued to class.  

What's the point?  Love is the point.  Love is the answer.  We need to hear it more often, we need to say it more often, we need to feel it more often.  Especially now.  

Especially our kids, our teachers, our administrators, our families, your family, our pets, our custodians, our staff, the mailman, people you come in contact with.

 You have the power, in your interactions with others, to totally influence how they feel.  

Use that power to let somebody know that they are loved.  

They might not have felt it in a while.